Sunday, April 5, 2009

Oh Shit!

Thursday morning I shit myself. Just a bit. At the Hyatt Regency on East Wacker, in Chicago.

It felt like a fart coming, a little relief from the tempest in my stomach. I was just waking and the king-sized hotel bed was clinging to me. But, let me tell you, once it became apparent that my gas had some substance I leaped out of the bed and into the bathroom, dropped trou, and sat myself onto the porcelain.

It was too late. The damage had been done. I wiped, washed, rinsed and tried to rehabilitate my sweatpants (by scrubbing with soap and scalding water, and blow drying and ironing).

I took some Imodium and then shaved and showered and dressed, trying to erase the ignominy and make myself presentable.

Due for a 'breakfast meeting,' I rushed out of my hotel and walked to another across the river. It was the wrong hotel. (The ABA Tech show had been there the last two times I went.) This is all the more confusing because the hotel, like any major hotel in Chicago on any given day, was hosting one or two conferences.

I got to the right hotel, only ten minutes late. After spooning some oatmeal, I worked our booth for half a day, then went to a meeting, then to O'Hare - where my flight to Harrisburg was delayed while its gate changed four times, all the while feeling like John Hurt giving birth to the Alien.

Friday I sat at a table in a table in a hallway outside a ballroom at a court reporters convention at the Sheraton Hershey. More Imodium, a mid-day nap, and cautious conservation of energy got me along until 5 PM when I presented to them a primer on the processes of electronic discovery.

After the presentation, I read through the comment cards. About half wrote that I had spoken too fast. That is something that makes a court reporter anxious, as quick talkers make their jobs more difficult.

Done with work for the week, at last, I walked across the parking lot to a Target, where I bought new pajama bottoms - navy blue pinstriped - for $9.99, along with saltines and several bottles of Smart Water (to restore my electrolytes).

Saturday morning I flew home.

The tempest has started to subside and my clothes are in the laundry.

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